Being What We Want to See

Being What We Want to See

My parents had just come home from a farmer's market and noticed an extra bag of peaches.

"You have to take these back," my mom told my dad. "WE HAVE KIDS. We can't keep something we didn't pay for."

My mother was putting her finger on an essential truth: Kids absorb the values they see adults putting into action.

Ever notice how quickly kids spot any inconsistency between what we say and what we do? Long before kids can spell "hypocrisy," they notice when our actions fall short of our words.

"Don't worry that children never listen to you; worry that they are always watching you," author Robert Fulghum says.

Kids need to see us "walking the talk."

IN FACT, WE TEACH KIDS BEST WHEN WE PRACTICE "BEING WHAT WE WANT TO SEE" IN THEM.

If you volunteer in your child's school, you might have noticed that savvy teachers practice "being what they want to see" in their students.

These teachers encourage respect by speaking respectfully to their students, even when correcting them. They teach self-control by sticking to "indoor voices" in the classroom, especially in situations that could provoke angry shouting.

"Being what we want to see" isn't always easy - though perhaps it's easier with other people's children!

At home one day, I found myself shouting "STOP YELLING!" at the top of my lungs. I caught the inconsistency between my words and behavior about two seconds before my child commented on it.

OUR EXAMPLE POWERFULLY INFLUENCES OUR CHILDREN'S CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT.

If we vent our anger through yelling, put-downs or sarcasm, that's how our kids will learn to handle their anger.

I once heard a preschool teacher say that by listening to the children, she could tell exactly how their mothers spoke to their husbands!

If we respond to unpleasant situations with kindness, self-control and respect, then our kids will learn that.

Not all at once, and not perfectly. But surely.

And that extra bag of peaches?

Soon after my dad left to return them, the phone rang.

"We stopped by, but you weren't home," my grandmother said. "Did you get the bag of peaches we left you?"

We all shared a big laugh when my dad got home. And more than 35 years later, whenever a clerk makes an error in my favor, I remember the peaches.

Author Bio
Norma Schmidt, M.A., M.Div., is a parent of two and a former Lutheran minister with experience as a pastor and a cancer center chaplain. She gives workshops on parenting and on living with illness. To get her free report, "61 Great Ways to Teach Kids About Money," visit www.ParentCafeOnline.com/pages/53/index.htm

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Once Bitten, Twice Shy, Third Time Stupid

Once Bitten, Twice Shy, Third Time Stupid

Over the years in recruitment, I have seen many job applicants make the same mistake again and again. This is a fatal mistake that I feel need to be addressed. These are the list of things that you should not do in the event of applying for jobs.

Do not spam the HR executives
A lot of desperate job seekers had been committing this same mistake. If you visit the yahoo groups, you will realize that some of the members are so helpful that they list out all the email addresses of the HR executives and headhunting/recruitment firms. It is really scary as the list comes in hundreds and thousands. Not surprisingly, my email was included in it as we're in the headhunting business as well.

Guess what happens when the hr executives receive your email. Count yourself really lucky if they don't list your email in the spam folder. What have you achieved? Nothing, but you have probably pissed people off. If you are one of those that enjoy broadcasting your resume, you would probably ban yourself from applying for jobs. Most of the established companies have got spam filters installed and even if your email doesn't get picked up by spam filters, your resume is likely banned from their database. Word get around fast and all HR executives normal share a common pull of blacklist resumes.

Do not submit your resume to job portals where anybody can assess
I always receive calls from a lot of jobseekers asking me why they are not able to find job opportunities with large MNCs. It's not as if they do not qualify as some of them do have pretty good credentials. As all these queries piled up, I decided to do some cross reference with some of my clients to find out what was the main problem. Guess what was the reply?

Oh...they have been banned. Why have they been banned, I asked? Well by submitting their resumes to job portals that all employers have full access to (e.g Monster.com), you have just flooded the market with their resumes. You might think it might be a good thing but this should be done only on a last resort. Why is it so? Basically all the recruitment firms accessing that has access to the portal will pick your resume up as well. Imagine 30 or 40 recruitment firms submitting your resume to companies like Microsoft and Accenture. What happens? Your name gets strike off even if you apply directly to the company later.

Do Not Submit Your Resume More Than Once
By submitting your resume more than once you're really getting on people's nerves. A lot of people do not know that. What do you think I do when I receive the same resume 3 or 4 times a day? I delete his email and go to the spam filter and block his email address. That's what most HR executives do as well. Remember, your job is to send a neat & professional resume to make sure that the HR executives can do their job easily. You help them by helping yourself.

Always Indicate The Job Title/Code
Imagine a large MNC who has got 50 different openings. Out comes a resume that does not indicate any intention. What do you think the HR executive will do? Your resume will probably end up in the deleted mail folder. Do you think the HR executive has time to call all the candidates? They might do so if your resume is really well written. Imagine 50 X 100 resumes. The likely chance is that your resume will end up being deleted.

Now you understand the meaning of Once Bitten, Twice Shy, Third Time Stupid. There are so many people who continue to make these glaring mistakes day after day and that is going to impact on their career if they are choosing to join a large and reputable firm. More importantly, you need a good solid resume that bring you far in your career.

To sum it up, these are the things that you shouldn't do to avoid losing the opportunity of joining an MNC.

1 - Do not Spam the HR executives if there are no genuine opportunities advertised.
2 - Do not submit your resume to job portals where anybody can assess.
3 - Do not submit your resume more than once.
4 - Always indicate the job code.

Follow these steps and you stand a better chance of securing a good job.

Author Bio
Edmund Ng is the CEO of a consortium of Headhunting Firms. He manages multiple job portals and the largest IT-Jobs Yahoo Groups in Singapore. He also runs http://www.PurchaseResume.com - a professional resume service provider that has helped more than 700 people get their dream jobs.

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Preventing the Misconduct of Your Children or Employees

Preventing the Misconduct of Your Children or Employees

Human behavior, whether that of a child or a grown employee, always stems from a goal or purpose. Starting as a thought, the behavior is further enforced by triggers of the emotions and senses. This behavior, when it is "good", gets us rewards and recognition, while on the other hand, negative, or "bad", behavior creates a strain on a relationship, sometimes fatally.

If you were to look at it closely, the misconduct of some employees closely resembles that of a child's misbehavior while he is seeking his mother's attention and not receiving it. Remember the antics of a young child in the supermarket who had a "Terrible Two's" tantrum because his mother won't but him the candy or toy he wanted? Well, it is my opinion that the goal behind the employee's purposeful misconduct is to seek attention, in one way or another.

"Every behavior, good or bad, has a goal behind it."

Looking at the goals that triggers misconduct, let's begin by looking at the primary misconduct, that of attention-seeking. Behavioral studies show that the desire for attention is universal in all people, regardless of age, color, language, culture, etc. People tend to seek attention in positive and useful ways; but if they can't get it that way, they will seek attention in negative and useless ways.

Turning the Negative into a Positive To become effective in helping negative attention-seekers, we must first change our response to them by showing them that they can be accepted as a useful and contribution member of the family or organization. We do this effectively when we show them that they achieve significance through their positive and useful contributions rather than through they useless bids for attention or service. In order to focus on their constructive behavior, we must either ignore their misbehavior or pay attention to it in ways they don't expect. Caution: Attention should never be given on demand, even for positive acts, because doing so reinforces their inappropriate desire for attention.

* Instead of reinforcing their negative and untrue belief that they don't belong unless they are the center of attention, help them develop positive feelings about themselves, their abilities, and their contributions.

Who's Your Daddy?

Next set of misbehaviors are those of the power-seekers who feel that they are significant only when they are bossing (bullying?) people around. They tend to do what they want, when they want, and how they want despite the rules, regulations, or policies. Even when their parents or supervisors succeed in subduing them, the victory is only temporary. The argument may be won, but the relationship is lost - maybe permanently. On the other hand, sometimes the defying child or employee may seem to be complying, but they are doing so in their own way, in their own time, and at their own speed, all contrary to the rules, regulations, or policies. This artificial obedience is known as "defiant compliance". If this struggle for power continues and the power-seeker comes to feel that they cannot defeat their parents or supervisor, they may trade-in their desire for power for their next misconduct weaponry, that of subtle revenge.

* When dealing with power-seekers, refrain from getting angry, from "blowing your top", and disengage from the power struggle by refusing to hold a no-win conversation. After arranging an appointment to meet with them when they calm down, turn your back and walk away. (After all, it does take two to tango, doesn't it?)

When Getting Mad Is Getting Even or Stopping the Madness

The revenge-seekers are somewhat paranoid in their thinking, in convincing themselves that the world is out to get them, in believing that they have no significance unless they are hurting others, and in finding their belonging by being cruel in their relationships. Unfortunately, they trigger a downwards spiraling chain of events. Their revengeful acts, when discovered, deeply hurt their parents or supervisors, causing them to want to retaliate. The revenge-seekers then respond to the counterattacks by seeking further revenge, either by intensifying their misbehavior or by selecting another item from their weaponry inventory.

* To be of help to the revenge-seekers, train yourself to avoid retaliation, at all cost. As difficult as it may seem, train yourself to improve your relationship with the revenge-seeker by remaining calm and showing them goodwill. Be prepared to the unexpected: If the war of revenge continues despite your attempts to defuse it, the revenge-seeker may come to feel completely defeated and may give all attempts to become a contributing member. They may even turn their feelings inwards by displaying manipulation as their next weapon of choice.

To Suck Up or Seek Out? That Is the Question.

Manipulators, because they tend to feel inadequate to interact appropriately in a relationship, may display feigned inadequacies or disabilities. Rather than come right out with their wishes, wants, and desires, they will find elaborate ways to get others to do something for them. They become con men and women. To them they are finding the "easy and sure way" to get what their want by lying, cheating, overcommitting, supercharming, and "gently" aggressive.

* To help the manipulator convert this misconduct, train yourself to eliminate criticism, and focus, instead, on their assets, strengths, and abilities. Look for ways to help them, as I like to call it, "maximize their potential".

Turning Misconduct Into Super Performance

Remember that all misbehavior and misconduct, even appropriate bids for attention, stems from discouragement. Discouraged people lack the courage to behave in an active, productive, and constructive manner. Their misbehavior does not become evident unless the manipulator perceives a real or imagined loss of status. Whatever goal or purpose the manipulation serves, it is done in the belief that only in this way can they have a place in the family or organization.

Conclusion: In your relationship with your child or employees, remember that their behavior and intentions towards you will change only when you change your approach. Although you do not cause them to misbehave, you can reinforce and encourage their misbehavior by reacting in ways they expect. Therefore, concentrate your efforts on changing your behavior if you want them to change theirs.

Author Bio
Etienne A. Gibbs, MSW, Management Consultant and Trainer, conducts lectures, seminars, and workshops, and writes articles on: ... helping you maximize your potential for individuals, schools, small businesses, and non-profit organizations, Reach him at www.MasterBlogBuilder.com.

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Vision Directed Interviews: How to Succeed within Interviews

Vision Directed Interviews: How to Succeed within Interviews

You've probably read numerous job interview tips which list the ways to respond to the difficult interview questions: Tell me about Yourself; What are your work-related weaknesses?; Why are you leaving your current employer? These are the usual dreaded questions that we all expect to hear from interviewers. Typically interviewees are advised to create well-prepared and rehearsed scripts to respond to these dreaded questions. And so, during the course of the interview, interviewees sit on the edge of their seats waiting to respond, trying to remember the correct answers. And consequently, the interview becomes a race, a highly tense setting designed to stay one step ahead of the other with scripted conversation and pre-planned positioning and second-guessing. The possibility of authentically assessing the merits of the position and being able to evaluate how you might fit within the company's culture and mission is minimized in this scenario.

Optimally, the interviewer and the interviewee should operate within the same mental space. To effectively hire someone who fits within the organizational game plan, as well as the specific position, the interviewer needs to ensure that the questions will provide opportunities for detailed, authentic discourse. At a minimum, the interviewer is looking for information regarding situations/projects/tasks/assignments in which you've handled, the specific steps undertaken to achieve results, and the direct results accomplished.

As an interviewee, you have to be able to deliver this information....no matter the question. Additionally, as an interviewee, the only way you'll be able to respond with full confidence (without referring to a script) is by ensuring that you've done your homework. To confidently manage the interview, it's important to know where you're heading - - to know your vision. Everything else should flow directly from your career or personal vision. Every tactic you undertake to find the new job, the new career opportunity, or the promotion should emanate from your established vision. In this manner, you will be able to hit the answers to those dreaded questions without feeling nervous because the interview is not the most important tactic - - it's one step within a strategy. It's your well-crafted vision that's essential, not a well-prepared and rehearsed script based on someone else's words. Authentic interviews happen when you're able to effectively convey your vision, your passion, your success stories.

Have You Created a Personal or Career Vision? More details provided in the next BCM Career Management Guide. Contact me directly with questions, comments, feedback at [email protected]

Author Bio
Author: Pamela Watson, Beacon Career Management, LLC www.beaconcareermgmt.com
After 17 years of management , I decided to craft a different vision for my career. I launched Beacon Career Management, LLC in 2005 and have been working towards continually achieving my career vision.

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32 Words That Can Change Your Life

32 Words That Can Change Your Life

We all have ways of testing opportunities that enter our lives. Some of us just dive right in based on feeling, others walk straight into what they know is right by a gut feeling or intuition. And if it's not gut feelings or emotions that are the tests of opportunities, it is the logical mind persuading us to ignore those feelings and emotions and test it with our reality of reason.

Most of us do not have a predetermined strategy for testing opportunities, or even more generally to test the actions we take and the choices we make in our lives.

There is an easier way to determine if our choices we make and the opportunities we receive 'pass the test'. This simple 32 word statement of business ethics was first created in the 1930s and used to turn around a failing company. These four questions were applied by each employee to each and to every minute detail of the company's workings. This little list of four questions from Rotary International, a humanitarian business organization, is the most widely printed, translated and reproduced piece of business ethics today:

"Of the things we say, think or do:
1. Is it the TRUTH?
2. Is it FAIR to all concerned?
3. Will it build GOODWILL and BETTER FRIENDSHIPS?
4. Will it be BENEFICIAL to all concerned?"

If we built businesses and our lives based on these very simple 4 questions we would be coming from a place completely the opposite of the competitive mind and the lack mentality. As you can see, these questions prompt you to choose what is true, fair, and good, making choices that can build friendships and goodwill. It helps us to see how the choices we make can be beneficial to all concerned.

Because of our societal influences, we most often are inclined to make choices and act based on a competitive mind. This comes from the perspective of lack, scarcity, and ultimately greed.

Any opportunity based on the model of competition and lack will simply not pass the test. Competition promotes strife. It embodies winning one spot, taking it away from all the other people who want it. It misleads people to believing there is only one chance for success, when in reality there is plenty for all.

The competitive model encourages people to rely on a source outside of themselves to give them what they need. This denies the power of their own ability to create what they want. This narrow focus shows they are choosing to ignore the possibility of creating this opportunity in their own lives, instead of trying to win the spot from millions of others.

This simple testing technique takes us completely out of the competitive mind of greed, scarcity and lack. It turns our thoughts and choices toward the positive, realizing there are opportunities we can take that can provide increase for all concerned.

I invite you to use these questions to test your actions and opportunities in your life. If you are seeking opportunity, these questions may help you see things in a different way. In doing this, perhaps you might find an opportunity in your life which truly allows you to benefit the world, while at the same time reaching whatever your dreams, goals, and desires are.

Author Bio
Carina MacInnes is an author and entrepreneur, currently offering a free in-depth e-course on wealth building secrets by her favorite mentor, get it here: [email protected] She also offers a powerful opportunity to increase health, wealth and vitality in your own life. Visit her site here: imagineacai.com

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by

Kya Grace

The idea of mental health does not pertain to just the absence of mental disease or infirmity. It depends on whether you can express your emotions and react accordingly to the demands of daily life. A more holistic approach towards mental health is the one which considers the well being of the whole person including mental, emotional, spiritual, physical, social and environmental factors. A mentally healthy person has a sense of control, is able to cope up with the inevitable changes of life, has a positive and realistic aspect towards all the events and is able to express himself emotionally.

Stress affects mental health
Many people face stress, anger, anxiety or depression related issues. Yet if confronted, they refuse to believe that their mental health requires attention. There are a lot of common things that can have an impact on the mental health of a person. Perhaps the most common is the stress people face these days in this fast paced world, whether it is because of stressful work conditions, social exclusion or violent personal relations. There are chances that people are not able to balance all aspects of their lives. They can lose balance while juggling between the roles that they have to play.

Maintaining balance in life
Some people are workaholics and they give more priority to their work rather than their personal life. This can affect their personal and social relations in their society. Ever tried to calm down a person who is in a fit of anger? He would probably retaliate and blame you for his loss of patience. This is a very common plight. Apart from this, there are people who are unable to vent out their emotions and often land into depression. They might have faced an unfortunate event and are unable to rebound from it.

Help yourself
These issues may sound minor to most people but anyone can get trapped in it without even realizing it. You can decrease the amount of mental and emotional wear and tear by changing your perspective towards life in the following ways:
â ¢ Never hold a grudge against anyone; if you have any issues improve your communication with that person and solve it. Vent out your anger if you have to but don't hold on to it for long.

â ¢ Be socially active, maintain supportive relationships, take breaks and enjoy life. Don't let your professional and personal life come in each other's way.
â ¢ Be passionate about something, which would give you a break from the stress of your fast paced life - pick up a hobby for example.

â ¢ It is important to maintain a good physical health. Even a lack of physical exercise can cause dementia and depression. Therefore, exercise, eat right food and get ample amount of sleep.

â ¢ It is good to set you goals high and be competitive in nature but don't be over ambitious. It is also important to be content with yourself in order to enjoy life each day.

â ¢ Manage your finances smartly, as financial problem is the most common factor for stress. Although it is also good to indulge and pamper yourself sometimes.

Know yourself better, understand what makes you really happy, and learn to balance what you can and cannot change about yourself.

Kya Grace is nationally renowned fitness expert and owner of Dangerously Fit Personal Training. If you would like to register for a personal training session, or a free boot campconsultation, visit Bootcamps Sydney.

How To Handle Grievances And Disagreements

Submitted by: Connie Limon

Jesus speaks about how to get along with each other. If your brother or sister trespasses against you, go to the person and talk about the fault that is between you in private. If the person receives you and listens to your feelings, then the dispute is settled and you have gained ground in the friendship with that person. In the situation where the person does not receive you, does not want to hear your feelings, or does not agree with you, then take one or two witnesses so that every word can be heard by more than you and the person you are in dispute with. If the situation between you and another person is still not solved, then take it before the church congregation if you both are in the same congregation. If that person still neglects to solve the grievance between you, turn away from that person and acknowledge he or she as a heathen and a publican.

In the case where you have a disagreement with someone and you do not belong to a church congregation in which the matter can be revealed to the church, then take it before the Lord and explain to the Lord how you have tried to make amends with this person, but the person failed to hear you. You must only know in your heart that this person is the same as a heathen and publican and must never take revenge against the person in any way. Now that you have brought the matter to the feet of Jesus, you need just to leave it there and let Jesus decide how to handle this person and the situation.

If you have to face the person every day in your work life or somewhere else, just be congenial and friendly, but realize in your heart, that in the eyes of God he or she is the same as a heathen and a publican, which actually put you in favor and on a higher ground with God. Jesus will decide how to handle your problem. You may find that this person will eventually come to you and things may change dramatically between you, or the Lord may reward you in some other way for obedience to his laws in this particular situation.

I experienced some problems in a congregation of which I practiced the above rules to handle the problem. At this point in time, there is no relationship between myself and those that particular problems arose with. The last I done in the matter was to “hug” one of them at the end of the service and express delight about the fact that the Holy Ghost taught me she had been delivered from a very long sickness and other torments of trials and temptations. She received me with a smile and a return hug.

With work place grievances, “a hug” would not be in order, you could be falsely accused of sexual harassment. The devil has a way of trying to turn something good into something evil. However, you can still practice these rules when grievances arise among co-workers. Ask Jesus for ways to practice “good” in return to those who just do not want to get along with you. You might be surprised at the ideas that will fill your mind. If the situation is just horrible for you and you wait upon the Lord to solve it, you may be delivered to another department or another job.

Jesus says where there are two or three gathered in his name; there he will be in the midst of them. I felt like when I hugged the person I had problems with in a church congregation, Jesus was there with us and looked upon us with a huge smile.

Jesus commands us to forgive other people of offenses not only one time, but seventy times seven times. If we well practice this rule, Jesus will reward us in ways we might not even think of.

This article is FREE to publish with the resource box.

© 2007 Connie Limon. All Rights Reserved

About the Author: Connie Limon Visit us at The Spiritual Guide, http://www.thespiritualguide.info for spiritual teachings and guidance. Visit Camelot Articles at http://www.camelotarticles.com to submit your original articles for website promotion and back links.

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Your Own Inner Work Affects the Whole World!

Submitted by: Margaret Paul, Ph.D.

"Let everyone sweep in front of his own door, and the whole world will be clean." - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

What would happen if we each learned to take 100% responsibility for our own feelings and needs - learning to attend to our feelings with compassion for ourselves, and extending that compassion to others? What would happen if each of us were conscious enough to sweep in front of our own door – which means we would be conscious enough not to dump our filth on the rest of the world?

I love to imagine the possibilities!

* Large corporations - such as Monsanto, Dow, the mass market food industry and factory farms, the drug companies, insurance companies, the oil industry, the banks (to name just a few) – would not be harming the planet with their greed. Instead, they would use their creativity, talent and resources to create health and wellbeing for everyone. Degenerative diseases would likely be a thing of the past if keeping our environment, our food and our water clean was a high priority of all industry.

* Child abuse, domestic violence and crime would be things of the past. When we learn to take loving care of ourselves, we cannot harm others.

* Homelessness and starvation would not exist. When we each learn to take loving care of ourselves, we find ourselves extending our love out to others, and we cannot emotionally or spiritually cause or tolerate this kind of suffering in our fellow human beings.

* Addictions to alcohol, drugs, food and sex would be things of the past. When we learn to love ourselves and take responsibility for our feelings, we don’t need to turn to addictions to numb out our feelings, or attempt to fill our emptiness with substances and processes.

* Most marriages would flourish, since self-abandonment and the resulting controlling behavior is the main reason marriages fall apart.

* Most of the health care problems we now have on our planet would likely be non-existent if each person was taking loving care of their mind, body and soul. When people take responsibility for their emotional and physical wellbeing, they are far more likely to attain or regain their health.

* All people would have an equal opportunity to pursue their true calling and manifest their gifts and talents.

* There would be far less loneliness in the world. When we learn to lovingly connect with ourselves, we can then lovingly connect with others. People would not feel so alone when facing the painful challenges of life, such as loss of loved ones, or loss of health or limb. There would always be caring people to turn to for comfort and support.

* Worrying about finances would be a thing of the past, since if we each took responsibility for ourselves, we would then extend our compassion and support out to others. We would create a sense of emotional and financial safety that few feel now.

* Creativity in the arts and sciences would flourish!

* We would all have a lot more fun – and a lot more time for fun!

These are my fantasies of what the world would be like if each of us learned to compassionately take full responsibility for our own feelings and needs, and extended our compassion out to others. What are your fantasies?


Instead of looking to see if others are sweeping in front of their doors, why not just focus on your own? Why not become a role model of personal responsibility for your own well being? This is the very best choice we can each make for the planet.

About the Author: Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is a best-selling author of 8 books and co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding® healing process, featured on Oprah. Ready to join the thousands who have healed their pain and discovered their joy? Click here for a FREE Inner Bonding Course, and visit our website at www.innerbonding.com for more articles and help. Phone Sessions Available.

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Parenting Style as Alcohol Treatment For Adolescents

The Need For Friendship And Community
By Jane Straus

As a life coach for over 20 years, I have noticed that my
clients are looking for more than insights or pearls of wisdom;
they want a guarantee that they can trust that they will not
have to vie for someone’s attention, that they will be heard and
cared about, and that they will be listened well to, without
interruption and without feeling rushed.

Most of us don’t consider ourselves isolated or friendless.
Yet, almost 25% of Americans say they don’t have even one close
friend they confide in. What this tells me is that we may no
longer expect friends to take the time to listen or to have the
skills to help us reflect on our circumstances. In other words,
intimacy, while valued highly as suggested by the price people
are willing to pay for it professionally, is no longer a
criterion we gauge our friendships by.

This puts more pressure on mates, who are as ill prepared and
time crunched as everyone else. Many of my clients fight with
their significant others more about communication or lack of it
than about sex, money, or children. They have a hard time
resolving day-to-day issues because they can’t find the time to
talk to each other or don’t feel listened to, resulting in
escalating arguments rather than solutions.

Couples sometimes schedule with me as a way of carving out
uninterrupted time to talk or to have a mediator who will keep
them from hurting each other’s feelings. My work is about
supporting a receptive environment where they can each listen
better and can practice communicating sensitively. This takes
practice—lots of practice—which we are increasingly deprived of
in our culture.

It isn’t just technology that is at cause; it is the dwindling
social skills as a result of technology that hinder intimacy and
friendships. It takes more than just time to be a good listener;
it takes skill. One has to learn to focus one’s attention on
someone else to discern and help with underlying feelings that
might be too painful or embarrassing to reveal immediately. This
can’t be done via text messaging or email. It is tricky enough
to do on the phone when we can’t see someone’s face. Without
practice or the expectation from one another that we provide
this, we lose both the ability and the commitment to provide the
glue that binds us as something more than acquaintances.

How does technology affect our friendships and even our ability
to know how to be a good friend? In the 1970’s my husband was on
the baseball team at Stanford and when the team traveled to
another university for a game, the guys spent their time on the
bus talking together. About what? He doesn’t remember. But there
was nothing else to do. Without ipods and laptops, these guys
were forced to use each other to pass the time and build the
camaraderie that cemented friendships he has to this day.
He went back for a Stanford reunion last year and saw something
that alarmed him: When the football team got off the bus, they
weren’t talking or laughing; they were all plugged into ipods.
None of them seemed connected with each other. He imagined they
spent the entire duration of the trip alone in their own world
of music rather than goofing around, strategizing, learning more
about each other, in other words, creating bonds that would last
beyond their time as college athletes. He felt saddened for
them. How would kids from the suburbs and those from blighted
urban areas bridge the gap among themselves if they didn’t find
more common ground than what was underneath their feet during a
game?

If what used to be a natural alignment such as teammates can be
broken by a pocket-sized white rectangle that isolates us in a
bubble, how are we to reach out or be reached out to? Even
taking the bus to work used to involve seeing the same people
every day, affording us an opportunity to reach out to our
neighbors and develop connections. Today, on a typical bus ride
during commute hours, more than likely we will be on our cell
phone or plunking at our laptop keyboard, using the bus as our
mobile office. We’re working longer and harder and the price we
pay is increased isolation.

With online chat rooms and dating services, text messaging, and
email, we can “exclude the wrong people” and avoid “wasting
time.” But how many of us who are happy in a relationship would
have picked our mates out of a line up? Did we really end up
using the criteria we had in our minds or on paper? Does our
partner really look or always behave like our wish list? Who are
we overlooking by not taking the time to have a cup of coffee
but instead choosing to not “wink” back at?

What can we do about this trend? And do we want to do it? Is it
simply more efficient to pay for therapy or coaching? The
problem with relying solely on “professional friendship” is who
is going to pick up your child from school because your boss
wants you to stay late or the car breaks down? And
unfortunately, you might be afraid to bother even those you
consider friends if you haven’t taken the time to nurture these
relationships. Needing something in an emergency becomes an
embarrassment instead of part of the pact of friendship.

But even beyond emergencies, we owe it to ourselves to have at
least one or two people who are available to us without having
to whip out our appointment calendars. It takes conscious effort
these days. We live in suburbs where we may not be in walking
distance to that special friend. We have jobs and chores and
families that demand so much of our time and focus. But we need
friendship perhaps today more than ever.

Friendship, community, and intimacy require changing our
routine, unplugging from the TV and computer, picking up the
phone instead of emailing, having meals together regularly, even
doing errands together. Most of all, we need to slow down long
enough to listen. We will make these efforts when we remember
that a true friend is both an investment and a treasure.

About the Author: Jane Straus is a trusted life coach, dynamic
keynote speaker, and the author of Enough Is Enough!: Stop
Enduring and Start Living Your Extraordinary Life. With humor
and grace, Jane offers her clients and seminar participants
insights and exercises to ensure that the next chapter of their
lives is about thriving as the unique individuals they have
always been and the extraordinary ones they are still becoming.
She serves clients worldwide. Please visit her at
http://www.stopenduring.com. She is also the author of The Blue
Book of Grammar and Punctuation, http://www.grammarbook.com, an
award-winning online resource and workbook with
easy-to-understand rules, examples, and exercises.

Source: http://www.isnare.com

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